I'm still here.
It's been a bit of a chaotic, exhausting summer.
And through it all, I've been trying my best to make good choices. And, that's going fine in general. But, I've found it frustrating to have changed my habits without seeing much progress in terms of weight loss.
Frustration with weight loss is hard to talk about. Partially, because I feel a strong sense of shame around needing to lose weight in the first place and also because it sounds like whining and because I feel like I am always failing at weight loss.
But, thems the breaks, and I feel like I need to share that.
I don't feel secure enough to share what I've tried, however. Please rest assured, it's all been healthy means, and I've actually not been too obsessive about it this go-round.
And that minimized obsession is real progress. *Celebration*
I can genuinely say that instead of obsessed, I've been feeling motivated. Motivation is something that's seldom crept in over the years-- because my brain tends to short wire and go to the extreme (obsessive behaviors) instead of sensible, reasonable motivation.
Obsession still creeps in. And, yes, I get really depressed when that happens. Because, although I've been recovering for quite a while and I now take good care of myself, I am still very good at beating myself up-- emotionally.
And you don't see that. The world doesn't see that. Sometimes, I don't even see it coming, myself.
But, those moments self-harassment get fewer and farther between.
That's my current state. I also want to include some of the good stuff I've been up to this summer:
-Eating vegetables like a freakin' champ.
-Cooking! I love cooking, and I've been putting together some great meals at home.
-I finished an 8 week ukulele class. It was a blast, and I'm still fumbly, but I feel good enough to say "I play the ukulele" instead of..."I have a ukulele."
- Purchased tickets for my first trip to New York
- I climbed a mountain! Ok, it wasn't a mountain, but I went on 3 "difficult" hiking trails when we went camping last week. That's HUGE for me because an ankle injury was keeping me from these more challenging routes on previous trips. My ankle is doing great, and so are my glutes.
I love me.
I get sad and down and wallowy, but I'm still good.
Still doing good.
Melody
