messy, obsessive, lovely.

I'm not sure where to start or how to start, just that I know there's an aching inside to share my recovery with those around me. Messy, obsessive, lovely, and hard as it may be.

I started therapy about a year and half ago.  I consider that my eating disorder recovery started when I moved to Chicago, almost eight years ago.  I worked incredibly hard, day by day, to re-teach myself how to eat, and hopefully live, as a normal, healthy person.  I worked on the concrete fundamentals as best I could until I was able to enter counseling.  I feel like I've taken a jackhammer to what was my already-crumbling foundation.  An effort to rebuild.

My slate isn't clean, and it won't ever be. But, now I have enough clarity to put the remnants of the past in their proper place, holding them with me, as I build new structure for my future.

Mental illness is still such a puzzle.  We have little issue speaking of our physical illnesses, sometimes in great detail, with our friends, strangers, family.  Needing support for that test or procedure or check-up is completely acceptable and expected--at least among the majority of the population that I see.  It's my hope that some day mental illness will hold the same importance in our conscience.

A note: this is coming from my experience.  I cannot put words to the trials of others, nor will I try.

But, I'd like to be a part of the conversation.  The field of psychology is still trying to figure out how to make people like me better.  For me, this is an exploration of finding what helps, what soothes, what triggers and hurts.  Bulimia is a disorder that is shrouded in shame, and I want to fight it as fearlessly and openly as I am able.  I want to celebrate my achievements, past and future, and my recovery.

It wasn't my choice to be sick, but it was my decision to get better.  And dammit, I deserve to give myself some real love for that.

A rule: this is not a place to feel sorry about myself.

So, this entry is my first toe into unexplored, public waters of my recovery. As I transition from my current therapist into trying things out on my own, I hope this will be tool for me to continue mindful progress toward health.