the safest space

I've been going around in circles in my mind this week trying to think of what to share with the page.  Let's be real.  If it were only a page, I could truly say whatever I want. 

But, other people's feelings are part of the mix.  This week, I reflected with my therapist about what people around me would think or feel ( or have thought or felt) when they learned of my illness.  Supportive, sad, happy that I'm getting help, and so on.

And then she brought up betrayal.  

Whoa, cut a girl to the core.  

But, I think that's a legitimate thing to feel when you find out that someone you know and love has been hiding a very serious secret.  Even one that they couldn't really prevent.  I think this is one aspect of bulimia that makes it very difficult to talk about.  We live secret lives in our illness.  We live in "safe" spaces that we "control."

But safe and control are bullshit when you're talking about an eating disorder.  Nothing could be farther from reality, no matter how in-control we may feel.  And, I think knowing that I was truly out of control is part of the catalyst that brought me to recovery.  

It was painful to realize that I could cause someone I love to feel betrayed.  And, I deeply regret that my illness had that effect on anyone. I wasn't hiding to intentionally hurt anyone.  I was sad and lonely and scared and ashamed and didn't have the courage or self-worth to seek that help that I needed-- or to help myself. 

I have tried, in my recovery, to be as transparent as I feel safe to be.  It is important that I can have the trust of my loved ones.  And of myself.  There are details that I will likely never share, things I prefer to keep private between myself, God, and maybe my therapist.  Sometimes the wounds that I inflicted on myself (not physical, mind you) are too harsh to re-live and simply better left laid-to-rest.

I am proud to be in recovery, and I yearn for my loved ones to be proud of me and my journey as well-- without feeling responsible for my illness, 

And accepting their role in my wellness.  I am deeply grateful for the continued support of my friends, family members, and loved ones.  This is one reason that I am choosing to share my journey.  It has been made apparent to me that living openly and honestly can be a very safe space. The wonderful people that surround me should get to know what a gift of life their love has been to me so far.  

With a grateful heart, until my next entry...