Get Our of Your Own Way

Yesterday was my birthday.

Birthdays have served, for many years, as a deadline to meet any delinquent fitness goals for the year.  Really, just having lost some weight-- that is always the goal.  So far, measuring myself by my weight/size is an aspect of the illness that I have yet to let go of.  It seems to be one of the hardest aspects of illness to let go of.

So, just to take stock in the good stuff that my brain conveniently forgets to give me credit for accomplishing, here are some things I have done in the last year of my life:

Got a new job-- and learned it.
Created a blog-- however slowly-- it's started.
Took a gymnastics class.
Began a 401k.
Started to learn to play my ukulele. (I've already made it farther than I ever learned my guitar!)
Did a show (although last summer feels like forever, it still qualifies.)
Increased my running endurance.
Got back into weight-lifting and incorporating fitness as a regular part of my weekly routine.
Paid off about half of my credit card debt and an emergency room bill

I certainly made some progress this year.  I deserve to give myself a pat on the back--and use that momentum to propel me forward into another year of meeting more goals and being more pleased with myself.

But, in my weird brain-- none of that stuff matters, I am allowed to take no real pleasure in life, until I become thinner.  Now, this "rule" that my brain made up isn't always present-- but it pops in a hell of a lot.  And, frankly, it can make me really miserable.

It's like getting to the amusement park of my joy, but not being tall enough to ride the rides. (I am terrible at metaphors, but I really like to use them.)

So, how do I change this?  I keep pushing myself to set and meet attainable goals.  Hoping that the rush of each level-up will make me feel the most alive and the most happy.  All the while, I'm measuring myself in a thousand different ways-- how much I got done, how many people I connected with, how long I ran, calories I did (or didn't) eat.

But, what if I stopped measuring? What if I just ate those vegetables, ran those miles, learned that new song-- and didn't worry about taking stock in it?  What if I just did good for good's sake?

Perhaps this is a goal-- or a non-goal-- that I should challenge myself to this year.  It's honestly a little terrifying to think of.  And, I don't mean stop measuring things that matter-- like for baking or for meeting my rent.  But, going to do those workouts because they make me feel good.  Eating those vegetables because they give me an energy boost.  Walking those shelter dogs because they are so super cute and I love their wiggle-butts.

It's scary to set myself free in that way.  With my eating disorder, I lived by a set of strict rules-- and continue to set myself strict rules-- in healthier ways, of course.  So, throwing them out seems crazy. But, maybe I deserve to be easier on myself?

Maybe not qualifying the specific things that I will allow myself to take pride in-- will allow me a little more peace and space to grow.

So, Melody, you have the permission to feel happy-- no matter what you got done that day or how your butt looks in your jeans or if you used real or fake sugar in your coffee.  You are free to be yourself.

Be good to those around you and be good to yourself.  Do what makes you happy and try to bring that joy to others.

Here's to a year dedicated to bliss.