One of the traits of bulimic-me was obsession-- over weight, exercise, food, perfection, and...well...eating disorders in general. Learning about them and people's experience fed my disorder and tended to drive me more and more towards my other self. Her.
I've put a label on that mindset-- the bulimic mindset-- for myself. For me, giving it a label, naming it, gives me some power over it. I can identify when she's creeping in and tell her to leave.
During my darkest days with Her, I would occasionally pro-ana/mia websites, blogs, etc. If you don't know what those are, I'll refer you to wikepedia's explanation:
"Pro-ana refers to the promotion of behaviors related to the eating disorder anorexia nervose. It is often referred to simply as ana and is sometimes personified by anorexics as a girl named "Ana". The lesser-used term pro-mia refers likewise to bulimia nervosa and is sometimes used interchangeable with pro-ana."
I found this place that I belonged. Where the thoughts I was thinking weren't weird, but normal. Perfectionism was glorified. I found phrases, mantras, et cetera that fanned my fire.
These places were and continue to be very, very destructive "resources" for the disordered.
Looking back, I wish that I'd had a realistic resource to learn about recovery. In every story, article, book I read, recovery went like this, "_____ eventually entered in a rehab facility, and a month later, ____ was better. "
Maybe that is reality for some-- and good for you/them! My experience is different than this.
After years of acknowledgement of my disorder and wanting to "get better," I finally started my recovery. I didn't have the resources to go to a rehabilitation center-- or even get a therapist. I decided that since no one else was going to take care of me-- I had to do it myself. (I mean, duh, right? But, that's a difficult thing to come to when your norm is self-harm/destruction.) So...
Step 1: Stop purging.
I did it. I just did it. And, it sucked a lot-- because I hadn't eaten like a normal person in over 10 years. I overate a lot-- and I had to re-learn when to stop eating. I had to learn what feeling just full was like. I gained some weight (about a size-- which for someone who is 5'3" isn't that much)-- and that was hard, but I was in a new city. I didn't know anyone. I didn't have to go out and see people and make friends-- I just let my focus be to stop purging.
It was hard to start listening to my body. I'd been shutting it up for what felt like a long time. When I overate, I immediately had the urge to purge. But, I gave myself the space to feel way too full... and forgive myself.
Forgiveness was a HUGE part of this process. I'm sorry for feeding you to much, body. I'm sorry for the past several years and what I put you through. I'm sorry that I've called you names and thought you were ugly.
Through this forgiveness, I became very thankful of and for my body. For what it could do. This new-found gratitude changed my path. Emotionally, I found new space to take up for myself. To stop putting myself down. Gratitude also motivated me to continue with this great recovery process that I'd started for myself.
I also had new energy-- unlike anything I'd had in the past years, because I actually had consistent fuel coming into my body. It's such a fundamental thing-- but I wonder what college would have been like if I'd actually had enough nutrition.
I can't say that I never purged again, it's normal and I've found it actually kind of helpful during rehabilitation to make mistakes, but I can say that it was never the same after that first year in Chicago.
I was really, really happy with the progress that I made, but I was still stuck in a body that didn't feel comfortable to me. So, on to
Step 2:
Actually, I'll talk about my "Step 2" in the next entry, "Melody Goes to the Gym."
until then,
Melody
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